


I give you my love, you give me your pain

by jeepsarmitage



Series: god only knows it's not what we would choose to do (me and you) [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Autistic!Carmilla, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 12:31:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3410720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeepsarmitage/pseuds/jeepsarmitage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> "Hi, sorry, I left my sunglasses here before. Have you seen them?" </i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <b> In which Carmilla and Laura fall in love </b></p>
            </blockquote>





	I give you my love, you give me your pain

"I'm flattered, thank you, but I'm not available."

 

The words dripped off of her tongue naturally, the exact phrase having been spoken so many times before in the exact same situation. Carmilla barely had to think before the words were out and the blonde woman was nodding and disappearing back into the sweat-filled mixture of bodies grinding against one another on the dance floor. 

 

If she really wanted to, Carmilla could catch her; run after her and catch her by the arm, tell her she's sorry and she would love to dance with her. The girl would smile and take Carmilla's hand and lead her through the crowd of bodies to the middle of the dance floor and they would dance. Maybe the girl would buy Carmilla a drink, and they would talk at the bar for a while. 

 

And maybe, Carmilla thought, they would go back to the girls home and they would spend the night together. 

 

Maybe, but not tonight, and Carmilla stayed glued to her seat, eyes fixed completely on the blonde woman as she is lost in the sea of sweaty bodies, probably in the direction of her friends to recount Carmilla's dismissal before finding someone else to hit on. 

 

* * *

 

She doesn't know why she keeps coming back. Maybe it's because she truly believes that one of these days she will go home with someone. Or maybe it's because she likes to pretend. Pretend that she's a functioning adult, who has adult friends and does adult things. Like go to bars and drink alcoholic drinks late at night. She's not fooling anyone, though, and the bouncer knows her by name and asks her how her life has been when she goes in. The bartender knows her drink and has it ready at her usual seat before Carmilla has even gotten to the bar. 

 

Tonight, though, it's one seat over because someone else is sitting in her usual one. 

 

The bartender, smiles at her as he wipes the bar top down, and she smiles back politely before taking a seat, one seat down from where she normally sits. Out of the corner of her eye she looks at the woman in her usual seat because it's no big deal, right? It's just a seat. 

 

It takes twenty-four minutes before the woman gets up to dance with her friends. 

 

Thirty seconds after she has disappeared into the crowd, Carmilla moves. 

 

* * *

 

Her apartment is on the third floor. 

 

She likes the third floor, because it's exactly halfway up the building, and her apartment is 3A because it's on the side away from the road so she doesn't get the noise of the traffic and she doesn't have to turn left to get into her apartment when she has been turning right all the way up the stairs. 

 

The lady that lives across from her is Mrs. Jones who is is 82 and has lived in the apartment 3B for exactly seventeen years and six days. Carmilla has lived in the apartment for five years and twenty-seven days. The couple that live above her moved in two years and three months ago and they are getting married in four months and three days. They want to find a house soon but they said they haven't started looking yet. Carmilla asked them what kind of house they wanted and they said a "nice one" which didn't make much sense to Carmilla because 'nice' could mean a lot of things. She's been keeping the real-estate section of her morning newspaper for the last two weeks though, just in case any of them have a house that the couple upstairs think is 'nice'. 

 

Nobody lives underneath Carmilla, which she is glad for because sometimes the people that live underneath her don't like that she makes noise in the morning. The last person that lived there complained about the noise that came from her morning workout. She thinks that it's because of the jumping jacks she does for a warm up. They didn't understand that she couldn't move the jumping jacks until later because she needs to warm up before she does the rest of her workout otherwise she could hurt herself. 

 

She saw some people looking at the apartment though, so she wrote out a letter to explain about her morning workout so that they knew that her jumping jacks may cause some noise. That's what Doctor Fieldman said to do. He said that it would be "polite to let the neighbours know about any noise-inducing activities" when she told him about the people looking at the apartment last Thursday. 

 

"Did you say hello?" Doctor Fieldman asked her. 

 

"They were busy. I didn't want to interrupt them."

 

"It's polite to introduce yourself, Carmilla," Doctor Fieldman replied, "Especially if you're going to be neighbours."

 

"But if I introduce myself to everyone I see, I would never get anything done and neither would they."

 

Doctor Fieldman sighed. Carmilla didn't understand why. 

 

* * *

 

"Hi, sorry, I left my sunglasses here before. Have you seen them?"

 

Carmilla looks up from her drink and swings around to see the woman from before. She's beautiful, Carmilla notes, and she's looking at Carmilla expectantly but Carmilla can't seem to find the words to reply. So she just shakes her head, and the woman's expression falls. 

 

"I'm sorry."

 

The woman shakes her head and waves her hand in what Carmilla has learnt means "don't worry about it". Then the woman sits down in the seat next to Carmilla and suddenly the woman is very close and Carmilla can smell her perfume. It makes her nervous, and her heat beats quickly in her chest so she starts the breathing exercises Doctor Fieldman suggested to try and calm down. 

 

"Are you okay?"

 

Carmilla nods quickly because she is okay, she just needs to slow her heart rate down before she passes out. She says as much and the woman frowns before asking if she wants to go outside for some air. 

 

It's a good idea, so Carmilla nods and the woman stands and takes Carmilla's hand, leading her through the sea of people to the front door where the bouncer raises an eyebrow and lets them outside. 

 

The cool air hits Carmilla and she swallows hard, breathing carefully in through her nose, holding it, and then exhaling through her mouth. The woman is still holding her hand and it's strangely comforting. Every now and again she would run her thumb over Carmilla's and it would send a tingling feeling up through her arm. 

 

Carmilla didn't want her to let go. 

 

"Are you feeling any better?" The woman asks. 

 

Carmilla nods in response, still concentrating on her breathing. 

 

"Good. It gets a little hot in there with all those people."

 

"Yes." Carmilla replies, nodding. "The combined body heat of so many people in a small room increases the regular temperature of the room. Especially with all the jumping people seem to believe is dancing."

 

The woman laughs, and Carmilla thinks it's probably the most beautiful sound she has ever heard. 

 

* * *

 

Her name's Laura, and she is really pretty. 

 

Carmilla enjoys just looking at her; examining every visible aspect of her. She counts the freckles along her nose, notices the way her eyes light up when she smiles, and feels her heart jump at the way Laura talks with her hands when she tries to explain something. 

 

When she laughs she leans back and playfully hits whoever is closest to her. Sometimes it's herself, and she smacks her knee as she rocks backwards and forwards whilst laughing. Sometimes, though, it's Carmilla, and Laura swats at Carmilla's arm before wrapping Carmilla up in a hug and Carmilla just sits there and grins. 

 

Really though, Carmilla likes taking in the little things about Laura. She likes to document them, writing them down in her journal and each night reading through them before she goes to sleep. They make her smile. When she feels like she's on the brink of an attack all she needs to do is think about Laura's smile and the way her nose wrinkles making it seem like she has twenty-three freckles when she really has thirty-six. Once she thinks about that, she calms down. 

 

And Laura seems to like it. She likes that Carmilla notices all these things about her. She says as much while laying in bed one day, Carmilla wrapped up in Laura's arms while Laura draws light patterns on Carmilla's back. 

 

"It makes me feel special," she said quietly, "like you really care."

 

"Of course I care," Carmilla replied, pushing herself up to look at Laura directly, "I will always care."

 

Her name's Laura, and Carmilla thinks she is the most special person she has ever met. 

 

* * *

 

It's a Thursday when she tells Doctor Fieldman about Laura, and he says it's great that Carmilla has found a girlfriend. 

 

"She's not my girlfriend," Carmilla replies. 

 

"What is she then?"

 

Carmilla doesn't know. 

 

* * *

 

"What are we?" She asks Laura on Saturday. Saturday is brunch day and Laura has been coming to brunch every Saturday for two months exactly. It makes Carmilla happy though, because Laura has her eggs scrambled liked Carmilla, and she always orders orange juice with her breakfast and only butters her toast when she is about to eat it. She does all these things without Carmilla having to tell her and it makes Carmilla feel safe. 

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Doctor Fieldman said you're my girlfriend but you're not are you? I mean you've never said that and I don't want to call you something you're not because that would be lying. But I mean he asked what we were and I didn't know what to say and then I had a panic attack and Doctor Fieldmen sent me home but I couldn't stop thinking about it and so I need to know because I haven't been able to sleep."

 

Laura sits watching her, a small smile playing on her lips as she lets Carmilla finish her rambling. When she does, Laura tilts her head and looks at her. Carmilla looks back, wide-eyed and slightly scared. 

 

"Do you want me to be your girlfriend?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Then I'm your girlfriend." Laura's looking down, but Carmilla can still see the small blush on the blonde's cheeks and her heart jumps in her chest because she's just so happy.  Laura looks up and rolls her eyes when she sees Carmilla is staring. "Your eggs are getting cold."

 

Carmilla doesn't mind all that much. 

 

* * *

 

Carmilla thinks that maybe Laura is an angel. 

 

She thinks this because Laura always seems to know exactly what to do in every situation. Laura says it's because her dad prepared her for every situation. That her dad sent her to self-defence classes from the time she could walk and enrolled her in first aid as soon as she was old enough. That she learnt how to keep a level head when she was class president in high school and on the debate team. 

 

Carmilla still insists that Laura is an angel though.

 

* * *

 

Three months into their relationship, Laura introduces Carmilla to her dad. 

 

"He's super protective," she explains, "but he's really nice and I've told him so much about you already anyway."

 

Carmilla nods, adjusting her shirt and pushing her glasses back up her nose. She's nervous, but she's always nervous, so she breathes deeply and holds onto Laura's hand tightly as her girlfriend leads her up the front steps to her childhood home. 

 

For what it's worth, Mark Hollis is a really nice man and it's evident that Laura has indeed told him a great deal about Carmilla. He laughs at Carmilla's jokes and asks questions about her life, her childhood, her plans for the future. He doesn't press when Carmilla says that her childhood was 'rough' and he changes the subject quickly, asking his daughter how her job is going and what her friends are up to.

 

Overall, Carmilla likes Mark Hollis, and she said as much as she sat next to Laura at the dinner table and held her hand while Mark served dinner. 

 

When Mark put the plate in front of her, Carmilla looks down and tenses. 

 

Laura notices, probably because Carmilla's grip on her fingers tightened and she looks at Carmilla concerned. 

 

Carmilla runs. 

 

The bathroom had always been a safe place for her. Growing up she had spent hours upon hours in the bathroom, laying on the cool floor, or in the bath tub. She would spend a great deal of time sitting on the shower floor, letting the warm water run over her skin until she was red and raw. The Hollis bathroom is different to hers. There is no bathtub and the tiles are white with every third one being black. The toilet is in a separate room, but the sink is next to the shower instead of across from it and as Carmilla sits curled up in a ball against the towel rack she counts the tiles between the shower and the sink twenty-two times before Laura knocks on the door and asks if she is alright. 

 

When Carmilla doesn't respond Laura calls again. "Carm... Can I come in?"

 

Carmilla sniffles but leans over and opens the door and suddenly Laura is next to her, wrapping her up in her arms and apologising because she should have thought about it. She should have told her dad and "God, Carm I'm so sorry I'm so, so sorry." 

 

Carmilla wants to tell Laura it's okay. That it isn't her fault. But her voice is betraying her and all she can get out is a few strangled cries that only made things worse. Laura pulls her closer and Carmilla feels the tears from her girlfriend on her forehead. It makes her heart hurt because Laura is crying for her. She is the reason Laura is crying and no no no no no Laura please don't cry please stop.

 

She doesn't have to power to move though, so she settles for wrapping her own arms around Laura and the two of them sit on the bathroom floor, backs against the towel rack until Mark comes up and tells them he had made some more and would Laura like to come down and check just in case?

 

When Laura comes and gets Carmilla again the plates are already on the table. Clear, straight lines divide her food and Carmilla relaxes, taking her seat beside Laura and holding her hand under the table. 

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Carmilla wakes up and Laura isn't there. 

 

She never gets back to sleep on those nights. 

 

* * *

 

After they've been dating a year, Carmilla asks if Laura wants to move in with her. 

 

She had a whole speech planned out. She knew exactly what she wanted to say and how she was going to say it. She was going to wait until after they had dinner but before desert, and she was going to take Laura's hand and tell her how much she loved her and how safe she felt around her. 

 

It doesn't work though because Laura finds the key Carmilla had been going to give to Laura and asks what it is for.

 

"My place." Carmilla replies, and Laura looks at her confused. 

 

"But your keys are colour coded.." she says.

 

"Yours aren't." Carmilla replies, nervously picking at her fingernails. "I was going to ask if you wanted to move in. Then that would be your key. And all your keys are silver so I thought I'd just get silver but if you want another one I can definitely go get that for you I don't mind."

 

Laura laughs and Carmilla stared at her, eyes wide before Laura flings herself at Carmilla saying "yes, yes, yes," over and over again. 

 

* * *

 

Carmilla had never been a huge fan of sexual activity because she never felt comfortable around people. 

 

With Laura, though, she can never get enough. 

 

* * *

 

Two years into their relationship Carmilla's brother comes back to town. 

 

Will and her had never had the best relationship. He was their mother's golden child and she was the one that they couldn't get rid of. That took up too much of their mother's precious time and caused too much trouble with her 'tendencies'

 

He comes for dinner and Laura keeps glaring at him from across the table every time he makes a smart remark. 

 

"Your beans are touching the potato, Kitty." He says through a mouthful of roast beef, "better fix that before they contaminate each other." 

 

Carmilla's grip on her knife and fork tighten and she tenses her jaw but doesn't say anything. Will had always been taunting. Growing up he had always pushed the boundaries and encouraged her 'tendencies', as their mother had put it. Not once could she remember him ever having stood up for her. Now was no different. 

 

"Your gravy is leaking into the potatoes, Kitty. Better catch it!" 

 

The slamming of a chair against the wall startles all of them and Carmilla turns to see Laura standing up, bent over the table and glaring at Will. 

 

"Get out of my house."

 

William looks confused and he opens his mouth to protest but Laura steels herself and repeats. 

 

"Get. Out. Of. My. House."

 

"But -"

 

"No!" 

 

Carmilla had never heard Laura raise her voice before. She had always been a quietly stubborn person that stressed syllables rather that projecting them. Now, though, Carmilla could see the anger bubbling under the surface of her girlfriend's skin and knew that Laura didn't think there was any other way to get through to Will. 

 

"How dare you come into my house and insult my girlfriend. Your sister. You purposely ridicule her, picking on everything she does and think that it's funny? Well newsflash, bro, it's not. It's not funny. It's rude and selfish and I won't have it happening under my roof. So either shut up or get out." 

 

Laura stand's, bent over the table glaring at William who swallows and stands, eyes flicking from Laura to Carmilla and back again. 

 

He turns and leaves. 

 

Carmilla never hears from him again. 

 

* * *

 

"Do you ever think about getting married?"

 

They're laying in bed on a Sunday morning and the question causes Carmilla to roll over and look at her girlfriend. 

 

"I'm not really a marriage kind of person."

 

"Good." Laura smiles and kisses her softly, "neither am I."

 

* * *

 

She thinks that maybe she should have known. 

 

* * *

 

They're in her bed when she finds them. They don't notice her. 

 

She turns and walks away, and it's only when she slams the front door behind her that she lets the tears fall. 

 

* * *

 

Mark is furious when she turns up on his doorstep and tells him what happened. At first she thought he was mad at her, but it turns out he is mad at Laura. 

 

She doesn't know why she goes there, but he takes her in and puts her in the spare room. He brings her dinner on a tray and sits with her while she eats. 

 

Later she hears him yelling over the phone and she buries her head under the pillow and thinks about everything except Laura. 

 

* * *

 

She stays with Mark for a week before she finds an apartment she can afford. He helps her move, going to the house and getting her stuff so that she doesn't have to face Laura. 

 

Mark says that he's sorry for what Laura did and he will always be there for her. She thanks him and hugs him before he leaves. 

 

She wonders if his kindness will ever run out. 

 

* * *

 

Laura calls her twelves times over the next two weeks. Leaves ten voice messages. Sends one hundred and seventy texts 

 

Carmilla ignores every single one of them. 

 

* * *

 

Two months after that night, Carmilla see's Laura at the supermarket. 

 

Her hair is tied up in a rough bun and she's dressed in sweat pants and a tank-top. Carmilla tries to avoid her, and duck down the next aisle without being seen but Laura sees her anyway and catches up, calling her name until Carmilla can't help but stop and talk to her. 

 

"Carm..."

 

"Don't call me that."

 

Laura swallows and nods, taking a deep breath before continuing, voice steady. Each word carefully chosen.

 

"Carmilla. I'm so sorry. I never meant for that to happen."

 

Carmilla frowns. "How can you not intend for that to happen? You let someone else touch you. In our bed. In our house." 

 

"I know. I know and I'm so sorry. I just - it's so hard, you know? With everything. And Danny was there and it was easy and I shouldn't have but I did and... Carmilla it wont happen again. I love you. I love you so much please forgive me."

 

Laura's crying now, and part of Carmilla wants to reach out and hold her, tell her it's okay and she forgives her. But she doesn't. She can't, because the image of Laura arching underneath that red-head is permanently etched into her mind and she can't help but feel disgusted when she looks at the woman in front of her. The woman she used to love. 

 

Laura reaches for Carmilla's hand, but Carmilla pulls it back sharply.

 

"No." she says, the venom behind the word surprising even her. "No. You lost the right to touch me when you let someone else touch you."

 

She turns and walks away, each step carrying her further and further from the only person she had ever loved. 

 

But after all, love and pain go hand in hand now don't they?

**Author's Note:**

> My beta read this and sent me abuse via text message and email 
> 
> anyway i hope you guys like it
> 
> Also i'm working on another long fic (13 chapters but probably split in half so A/B chapters because they're really long) so keep a look out for "The 13 Lives of Laura Hollis" because I'm super excited about it


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